(THEME SONG PLAYING)
You got Feeny this year?
Yeah. You? Yeah. Which courses?
All of them. Yeah, me, too.
Oh, boy.
I can't believe I made it through the whole summer without Topanga.
You know, I feel bad about her parents splitting up and all,
but don't you think she's taking it a little hard?
I mean, so her parents hate each other. Get over it.
My mom walked out on my family when I was nine, and I'm fine...
Fine.
What's the matter, buddy?
I just had such a bad year...
Bad year.
Well, buck up, bucker.
Angela's on her way here, and everything's going to be okay.
You know, before the summer I asked her to be my girlfriend again?
Oh, yeah? What did she say? She gave me a kiss on the cheek,
which I take to mean that she's wildly in love with me.
You think I'm reading too much into this?
No. That's all I get. You know why?
Because these girls think they've got us wrapped around their little fingers.
But you know what? I've got a little suggestion.
It's just a little suggestion.
We play it cool.
A little cooler with the emotions.
Hey, Cory. (SCREAMS)
I don't believe it! Topanga, honey, I missed you so much!
My parents officially filed for divorce this morning.
That's bad. That's not good.
I don't know what to say.
It's okay. You don't have to say anything.
Hey, Shawn.
I'm sorry, Topanga.
I'm sorry, too.
I've just accepted that my parents are not going to spend
the rest of their lives together.
Well, it's, uh...
It's important to face reality, and I'm glad you're okay.
Now we can get back to planning our wedding.
Here we go.
Cory, I've had nothing but time to think about this.
I just don't want to get married anymore.
Even though we love each other?
So did my parents.
Hey, everybody. Angela!
Oh! Bigger hello than me. Did you see that?
Hi, Angela. Hi, Shawn.
Hi, Cory. Hi.
Topanga, I need to talk to you.
What is going on? Oh, not much. She's calling off the wedding.
Again? Even though we love each other.
I don't want to hear about "love" anymore. Okay?
What is with putting finger quotes around the word "love"?
I'm putting quotes around the word "love"
because I don't think "love" exists.
Of course love exists. That's the craziest thing I've ever "heard."
Did you think about what I asked you before the summer?
Did ya?
You don't think love exists?
Don't listen to her. She's stressed out.
Your hair looks so good.
If love exists, why do people hurt each other all the time?
Why do they? They don't!
She's just saying that because your hair looks better than hers.
Topanga, I wouldn't hurt you.
You say that now. I would never hurt you.
How do you know I wouldn't hurt you? Because I know you love me.
That's why I can't marry you.
She's nuts.
Angela, don't let her influence you. You know how you feel about me.
Trust your heart. Don't listen to your brain
because your brain and your heart are enemies,
and your brain will... Topanga makes sense.
Kill me dead.
What about everything that happened before the summer?
What happened? At Feeny's wedding,
I put my hand on your hand and you pulled it away,
and I did it again and you pulled it away.
And I did it again and you pulled it away.
So? You know you liked it.
We're friends. No. I don't want to be friends with you.
I can hate you or I can love you for the rest of my life,
and those are the choices as far as I see it.
You know, she got this crap from Topanga.
If you knew how to keep your girlfriend... Keep her what?
Happy? Pleasant? Quiet?
I don't know how to do any of those things.
Hey, guys, welcome back. Hey, how are you?
Hello, Jack and Rachel. Very good.
Just the people to tell these women how to keep themselves in line.
Will you please tell these two that being in love is the greatest thing there is?
Tell them. Girls, listen. Listen.
Jack and I broke up.
You morons. You're killing us.
Topanga! You're gonna listen to them?
Friends, okay? Hate you or love you,
and know this,
(IN SPANISH ACCENT) I hate as good as I love.
Goodbye, Shawn.
Fine. Goodbye. You're going? Fine. Goodbye.
Angela?
You know, Jack, um...
It is going to be uncomfortable, since we're not together anymore,
us living in the same apartment...
Yeah, I meant to talk to you about that.
Everybody, look at my head!
No. I promised myself I'm not going to look at his head all year.
All right, everybody,
I think it was clear that my life needed examination and change.
I think it was clear
that a drastic measure needed to be taken
so that Eric Matthews could reach the next plateau in his life...
In my life. In all of our lives.
Would you like to know what he did? What I did...
What he all did? ALL: No!
Okay, Eric, tell us what you did.
I did a little something called this...
Eric, I don't understand.
You said you loved your long hair. You swore you'd never cut it.
I didn't just cut it.
I had, like, a religious experience.
I had a deeply meaningful, life-altering metamorphosis.
I also got a bikini wax. Check this out.
No!
Eric, please.
All right, so, anyway,
I'm getting my hair cut, right? I'm sitting on the pony
and I'm watching my once-precious locks fall to the floor.
That's when I realized that the stuff that was so important to me last week
doesn't mean a thing to me today,
so this new haircut symbolizes the new Eric,
the smarter Eric.
Wait a second. What are you going to do when your hair grows back?
(SCOFFS) It's not going to grow back. I got my receipt.
Ah, my favorite couple.
Back together, hmm?
Mr. Feeny, just the man to talk some sense into her.
Are you all right, Topanga?
Yeah, she's fine. She's terrific.
She's calling off the wedding is how terrific she is.
Hello, Mr. Feeny.
Well, this is really none of my business.
Are you kidding me?
You have been butting into my business my entire life.
That is 19 years of butting, baby.
And now, when I actually need butting, why you don't butt?
Oh, back off.
You want to talk about this, Topanga?
I just don't want to end up divorced like my parents.
Divorce is devastating for everyone involved.
Topanga, we're not going to get divorced, okay?
We love each other too much.
Cory thinks anything can be magically resolved with "love."
How about I bite off those fingers right now?
Over half of all marriages fail.
It's even worse with people our age.
Every statistic that you throw at me is going to be about other people.
I don't care about other people.
I care about you and me.
If every marriage failed except one, I'd guarantee you that one would be ours.
Uh, Feeny...
Topanga, I've always known you to be a practical thinker.
Now, I know you're going through a terrible time and it's affecting you,
but this, ultimately, has to be about you and Cory, no one else.
You see that? Ultimately about you and Cory.
Ultimately you have to decide if you want to marry me.
Thanks.
I think we're going to be okay.
I think we got to her.
Feeny!
Eric!
No, it's me. It's Eric.
Oh, see, I don't blame you for not recognizing me.
I do recognize you, Eric.
It's because I got my hair cut, see?
See, this new haircut kind of symbolizes the new smarter Eric.
Is your head cold? Because mine's cold.
Goodbye, Mr. Matthews.
Oh, bye, Mr. Feeny. Oh, wait, Mr. Feeny!
Great news! I don't have to sleep in your car anymore.
You've been sleeping in my car? Since when?
Oh, since I got kicked out of the apartment.
I usually wait for you and dean what's-her-head to go to bed
and then I curl up in the back seat,
unless I have company over.
You have company in my car?
Thursday is spaghetti night.
Look, now that Jack and Rachel are splitsky,
they asked me to move back into the apartment.
So, it looks like everything's good for old Eric again, huh?
All right, Mr. Feeny.
I like spaghetti, too, you know.
She's still a baby. She's 13 years old.
Okay, who is this boy?
Someone she knows from school.
From her grade?
You don't trust your daughter.
I don't trust her? You think I don't trust my daughter?
You're right.
Morgan, who is this boy? How old is he?
Alan, it is her first date. Don't spoil it.
I've raised three children, Amy. I think I can handle this.
The boy. How old? How old's the boy?
His name is Dominick. He's in the eighth grade.
If you embarrass me, I'll die.
The eighth grade?
What's wrong with the boys in the fifth grade?
I'm in the seventh grade, Dad.
Don't lie to me. Mom!
No. No. No Mom. Look at me. Look.
Morgan, this is hard for me.
You are my only little girl.
I don't like this.
I'm sorry, Daddy. I grew up. I won't do it again.
Fine. Just go get dressed. Mom!
She is dressed.
The hell she is!
Here we go.
You've got hot pants on. She's wearing hot pants!
Alan, they're shorts. The same shorts she wears all the time.
When she's on a date, with a boy, they're hot pants.
Mom! Change.
What is wrong with you?
I just don't want this. I don't want it.
She's too young to be dating.
Well, Cory dated Topanga when he was four.
Well, he's a boy.
And you're a pig. Hey!
Pig.
Nothing's ever going to be good again, is it?
Wrong. Me and Feeny just got it fixed up.
So Topanga's off realizing how much she loves me.
She tells Angela. Angela says, "You know what? I love Shawn, too."
They come over here. Huggy, huggy, kissy, kissy,
"Get your hand off that," we're back to normal.
(KNOCKING AT DOOR)
Oh, who could that be knock, knock, knocking?
Ha ha. Topanga and Angela, hello.
Hi. Cory, you were right to make me think about this.
I was right to make her think about this. We're fixed up, fixed up.
Have you been thinking, too, Angela? Yes, Shawn, I have.
Cory, maybe we shouldn't talk about this in front of Shawn and Angela.
No, no, no.
Of course we can talk about it in front of them.
They're our best friends,
and we have no secrets from our best friends
because whatever you're going to say is very, very good,
so say what you're going to say. Say it.
I don't think I can be with you anymore.
Shh! They'll hear you!
Angela, the one thing I've always respected about you
is that you're an independent thinker and you won't be influenced by the crazy lady.
I'm sorry, Shawn, but... Shush.
I think it would be better if we just don't see each other anymore.
Oh, no.
Cory, it's just too painful to think about you and I ending up like my parents.
Our relationship has to be over.
I'm sorry. I'm really sorry.
We don't need them.
It doesn't matter what they say, Shawnie.
Those girls love us.
Another bad year. Another bad year.
Shawn, lighten up. Okay? It's not like you're losing your crops.
Well, I guess that's so.
I believe in love like I believe in God.
Okay? You can't see it, you can't touch it,
but you know it's there because you can feel its wrath.
And goodness. You can feel love's goodness.
I wouldn't know.
But I do know they love us, Shawn,
and because they love us, proximity is going to be our weapon.
They're going to see us every day and they're going to realize
that we are the most important people in their lives.
Proximity, Shawn. Proximity.
So they're probably moving out of the dorm right now.
Yeah, probably.
(EXCLAIMS)
Wait a minute, I thought you gave us your key back when you moved out.
Yeah, well, I decided to keep a copy
in case I wanted to seek revenge. (CHUCKLES)
Oh.
You think Rachel's going to be okay with me moving back in?
Yeah, she'll be thrilled.
It's me that doesn't want it. Oh.
What's with these books?
I don't know. Look at this.
Native Son.
I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings.
The Autobiography of Malcolm 10.
Rachel must be taking arithmetic.
ANGELA: Those are mine.
JACK AND TOPANGA: Rachel?
You didn't tell me we were having guests for dinner.
Oh, wait a second. I know what's going on. No, I don't.
I don't appreciate the word "pig."
How about "loving father who's concerned about his only daughter"?
How about "pig"?
Well, she packed her things and moved out on me.
Who? Who? Martina Navratilova! "Who?"
Topanga moved out on you?
I didn't even know she was living with you. Smooth, baby.
Pig.
(DOORBELL RINGS)
Morgan, your date is here.
Date? Since when do you guys allow her to date?
Since your mother. Oh, I will get the door.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
What are you wearing?
It's a tankini.
That's a bra. That's a bra.
Is that a bra?
Sadly, I wouldn't know.
It's a tankini.
Well, I don't want you wearing anything that ends in "ini."
Okay? Now, go upstairs. Put on some of that unsexy crap your mother...
Alan, this is Dominick.
And I heard that, you pig.
Hello, Dominick.
Wow. A bra.
It's a "tanqueray."
Mom.
Could we just have a little sensitivity here? This is Morgan's first date.
I didn't want him to know that, Mom.
Well, now he does know,
and it's good he knows
because this is where it all begins, guys,
the pain, the torture.
Be careful, Dominick.
Be so careful.
Is this really your first date?
It's my first date, too.
Fools!
Eric, what are you doing here? (GIGGLES)
I asked him to move back in with us.
What? Yeah. Isn't that what you wanted?
Oh, no, Jack. When you told me you were uncomfortable living together,
I naturally assumed you were asking me if I'd be okay if you moved out.
No, I wasn't asking you that.
Well, I...
I asked Topanga and Angela to move into the apartment.
Really? For us?
Oh, wow, but you know something? I'm going to have to take a rain check
because she's my brother's boo-tay.
Obviously there's been a big misunderstanding.
You know what? We'll leave.
I'm so sorry. This is all my fault.
I feel so bad about this, you guys. Oh, yeah, I feel horrible.
Horrible. Now, get out of my house before I have to throw you in the street. Okay?
Eric!
I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I was looking so forward to the three of us living together.
Yeah, so was I. Would have been fun.
Now we can't.
(GIRLS SIGH)
Wait.
Why? Why?
We can't just throw them out on the street. Oh, you know, we really could.
We'll move out.
Oh, Jack, you are the greatest!
Yes! Oh, you're the best. Thanks.
No, no, no, no, no! Don't fold.
I don't want to sleep in Feeny's car anymore.
The beaded seat cushion hurts my tushy.
Oh, and, Eric, it's such a cute tushy, too.
Do you really think so?
(LAUGHING)
Oh.
Dude, what just happened?
We don't live here anymore.
Well, where do we live?
Have a wonderful time.
Good night. Bring her back by 10... Minutes! Ha!
Where are you going? Away from you.
Fine. Fine!
Dad, I need to talk to you.
I need to find a way to prove to Topanga that love never dies.
AMY: I hate you. I hate you more.
What are you two fighting about?
I don't know. Very rarely do I know.
We are fighting because your father and I had all these children
and he doesn't get to keep them because they grow up.
Well, you called me a pig.
(SIGHS) You're acting like one.
Well, why does she have to grow up?
Well, somebody has to.
We have another one after her, don't we?
Brand-new one.
I'm still the boss of him, right?
Yes, Alan.
Yes, you are.
Wait a minute. That's it?
What?
That's it? The fighting's over?
You disappointed?
No, no, I'm not disappointed.
I'm very happy.
About what?
I've seen you guys fight all my life,
but no matter what, you always work it out,
and you always work it out because...
They love each other! They just forgot that they do.
Somebody has to go to Pittsburgh and remind them.
Oh, no. Oh, yes!
Do you know what the difference is between my parents and Topanga's parents?
Yeah, your parents birthed an idiot.
No. The difference between my parents and Topanga's parents
is that my parents never forget that underneath
all the horrible things they do to each other, they're still in love.
Topanga's parents forgot they're in love, and we have to go and remind them.
The whole thing should take 15 minutes, tops.
Now, we are going to Pittsburgh.
Are you with me?
Cory, we can't treat this like one of our little scams.
We're talking about people's lives.
We could ruin Topanga's parents' lives and ours.
Yes, I know. Are you with me?
Yeah.
Oh.
Mr. Feeny, this is so good. You got to try some of this.
Oh, no. Is it Thursday? Here, taste it. Taste it!
(GROANS)
Mmm. It's tasty.
Ah, see, dude? I told you there was nothing wrong
with eating a three-week-old meatball.
That's my hair, right?